Months After Loss

Months following the loss I felt like I was riding a rollercoaster. One day I would be hopeful and cheerful and then the next day I would be sobbing and miserable.

I had so many questions in my head which haunted me for months. I wondered if I somehow caused the ectopic pregnancy. I wondered if the baby could not be moved to the uterus. I wondered if I killed my baby, i.e. if the procedure to deal with an ectopic pregnancy was not considered as an abortion? Asking myself these questions without having any answers made them stick with me for a very long time and complicated my grief.

Oh, and then there was also the guilt. Guilt which was hard to put words around it. I felt guilty because my body failed me. I felt guilty because I chose to have my child surgically removed from my body. I agonized about if we did the right thing to end the pregnancy. There was nothing wrong with the baby, had it been in the correct spot/location I would have experienced my first pregnancy🥺

In January 2017 I suffered my first pregnancy loss…. I became 1 in 4